Yes, I Do Feel Fear

Do I often feel anxious when I am traveling away from home again? “Yes,” and “No.” The possibility that I will be overcome by unidentified fear in a new setting is always there. But most often, in my 62nd year, I can travel anywhere without worrying about what I will do with my fear when I get there.

This is a substantial, and welcome, change. In the past, when I went away for a continuing education conference or a convention or whatever I could count on being assaulted by anxiety for about the first day. I did not know where this foreboding came from and never could come up with an explanation for how the nervousness went away. But, away it went! Away the unease went when it wanted to go away.

I rarely have these feelings anymore. I did not have them when Kathy and I arrived in Instanbul, Turkey together five weeks ago. I did not feel any apprehension—quite the opposite, I was filled with excitement—when I arrived by myself in the Cappadocia region of Turkey nor when I drove alone to the Mediterranean Coast. Traveling to the Biennial Meeting of the American Baptist Churches, I recall no doubts or fears. But in the past, let’s say 1990, plus or minus ten year, I always had misgivings and a disquiet feeling that there was something to be afraid of.

My spiritual Journey over the past 30 or so years has changed all that. Having grown closer to God I now find myself remembering, whenever and wherever I am, that I am protected by and loved by God. When apprehension apprehends me, I remember God and as soon as I remember God the fear fades. (Please note that the word “remember” is not a “head thing.” “Remember” is a spiritual event. We remember with all that we are, body, mind and spirit.)

However, this week, arriving at the Trappist Monestary in Gethsemani, Kentucky, I definitely felt fear and it did not go away quickly. I can identify a number of reasons that I may have felt this foreboding and I did not pass through it easily or quickly. One problem was that I could not use my usual defenses against fear. I was not supposed to talk and besides I had no friends to talk to. I arrived a day late and so did not experience the orientation meeting. And, the reason I was a day late was that I began on this past Monday, the first day of my retreat, to experience some unknown ache in my upper abdomen. An afternoon of tests and exams in the ER did not identify the cause and so I am in the middle of dealing with this worry. Also, in the midst of the silence of this retreat it also entered my consciousness that my sabbatical is almost 2/3rd over and that soon I will have to confront all the challenges of reentry.

I just took a few seconds to pray. I found myself reciting Psalm 121:

I will lift up my eyes to the hills.
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
Who made Heaven and Earth.

As I prayed I found my tears taking over, along with a feeling of being safe in the arms of God. That is what I need most to experience and remember no matter what the challenges of life are or will be.